Life, Death, and Fear of Being Seen 👀
So many of us possess a deep fear of being seen (confession… I do! Okay, I’m actually talking about myself and maybe you resonate).
I relate this back to early childhood experiences of receiving the message that in order to be lovable, valued, or accepted, that we have to alter ourselves slightly, if not greatly. Chances are that certain impulses or parts of self were not welcomed. Each of us has different wounding around this- and it can lead to making the self smaller, self-censoring, and ultimately, to self-doubt.
In my work with clients, I offer the space and time to slow down and get curious and present with the ways that we may have learned to make ourselves wrong. We revisit that younger self who first learned to put on a mask to be accepted.
Reparenting the inner child has been the most rewarding, nourishing, and fruitful both personally and with my clients. And I’ll be honest…the joyful work of tending and loving the inner child is a daily practice that continues and deepens for me as time passes.
As 2025 begins to unfold, I am called to reflect on some poignant lessons of 2024.
1) Life is short. I’m sure that many of you, like myself, have clear memories of Y2k… that infamous moment when 1999 became 2000, now a quarter century ago.
In seeing a person close to me die unexpectedly this year, I am reminded that there is the life you live before you know you are going to die, and the one after.
2) Death is also a call to life! Once the finite nature of our existence is acknowledged, it becomes clearer that we are here to learn from our life experiences, so that we can exist in greater comfort, ease, expression, acceptance, and joy in the time that we do have here.
I started the new year in a most wonderful way. I went to Jamaica to attend the wedding of a dear friend of mine I’ve known for over a decade.
On an adventure-filled Friday, we went on an excursion that involved bamboo rafting and jumping into various rivers and waterfalls.
I stood overlooking the Spanish Bridge, questioning whether to climb up and jump from the rope swing or not…
I felt the expected fear.
Not one but two kind locals enlisted themselves to help me climb up on top of the bridge and advised me not to look down. But of course I had to sneak a glance.
Looking down, I wondered… Will I fall? Will I be able to hold on to the bars of the rope swing? What if I slip? What if I can’t let go when the time is right? (I mean, talk about a metaphor for lessons from 2024…)
Spanish Bridge in Ocho Rios, Jamaica
A kind young man holds the rope from behind me and guides me off the bridge. We swing far and fast and I feel present and alive. I’m absolutely there in that moment… in my body, and in the mystery and wonder of this human experience. First, we swing away from the bridge. It’s riveting. As we swing back towards the bridge once gain, I look at my friends standing securely on land as I’m flying fast through the air… a big smile on my face, adrenaline pumping through my veins and unbeknownst to the more conscious parts of my brain, the words that come out of my mouth are: “look at meeeee!”
I wanted to be seen for the brave, vulnerable, and fun reality I was experiencing.
In this finite existence in this physical form, can we be brave enough to step off the bridge and swing into the unknown? Are we willing to risk confronting our fears for the magic that can happen when we step away from what is predictable? And lastly, are we willing to be seen and known in the vulnerability of this whole thing?
The work of healing (becoming whole, welcoming in all parts of self) allows us to show up more fully and to remember that we are worthy of what we long for, even when it feels unattainable. The longing itself is an indicator of our very aliveness. Success is not guaranteed, and yet we will miss 100% of the shots we don’t take. Vulnerability is the truth of our existence.
As we embark on the quarter century, I am grateful to feel closer and closer to who I really am…The work and joy of really being present with the self…of listening to who we are and what we are called towards is life changing, sacred, magical work.
As time passes, I am more curious and less disturbed by the ways we suffer because when I get present with myself, I know that patterns of suffering are asking to be looked at so they can be released. And this unburdening is precisely what has brought me to the place of more clearly longing to be seen, even though I fear the same.
Life is short and death is also a call to life. Whether it be jumping into rivers, traveling to foreign places, sitting and acknowledging your present moment experience, or being brave enough to simple do something that scares you, may your year ahead be filled with aliveness!
Warmly,
Natasha
Lessons from the 🥶 Cold plunge 🥶
How can we relate to stress as a nourishing part of what’s here to help us grow instead of something that shuts us down?
Last week, I booked myself a visit to some of my favorite northern California hot springs. When life gets busy or stressful, hot water is one my favorite ways to experience soothing, relaxation, grounding, and calm.
The first time I entered the cold plunge at this particular location in 2021, I was shocked(!) by how people could spend more than 5 seconds in the cold plunge. My body’s immediate reaction was to contract into itself, making breathing, let alone existing in such a frigid state difficult.
I quickly exited the cold plunge and sat in front of a divinely placed statue of Quan Yin, the Goddess of compassion. I received her blessings and I contemplated the necessity of compassion when facing challenges big and small of all kinds. Quan Yin assured me that being loving and understanding towards the experience of suffering can actually reduce the burden itself.
Image by https://unsplash.com/@gauthamarcot
After a few rounds of dancing between the warm, hot and cold pools, I found that the most transcendent moments I experienced at the springs were when communing with Goddess Quan Yin after leaving the cold plunge. My circulation was active, I could feel the blood and life force moving through my body. I felt so very alive, and also like I had done something that had seriously challenged me yet was absolutely worth doing. I had experienced paradox in my body mind (note the inseparability of our bodies and minds.) An unpleasant experience was inseparable from a very pleasant experience. Through being present and attentive towards the experience of stress, I was able to appreciate contrast and challenge as an indicator of my very aliveness. This contrast between comfort and stress is an important aspect of existing in physical form.
How can we relate to stress as a nourishing part of what’s here to help us grow instead of something that shuts us down?
Years ago I was introduced to the Comfort, Stretch, and Panic zone model at a North America Leadership Jam.
According to the Comfort, Stretch, and Panic Zone model, we operate in three zones:
The Comfort zone: lifeless, secure, bored, stable, unchallenged, safe, comfortable, easy
The Stretch Zone: excited, willing to risk, challenged, expectant, alive, exhilarated, anticipating
and
The Panic zone: frontal lobe (decision making part of the brain) is not online. We are triggered and in fight, flight, or freeze. Not optimal for functioning. Stress may feel difficult to manage, may feel tired, frustrated, annoyed, disinclined, anxious, fed up, exhausted, tense, or fearful.
The Comfort, Stretch, and Panic Zone model guides us to understand our own nervous system and how we can assess our readiness for the tasks at hand, and also our ability to grow through challenge that feels nourishing and fruitful, and to be more wary of challenge that feels debilitating.
I was reminded recently by a friend and colleague Anna of eustress, that a certain level of stress is beneficial. Furthermore, our attitude about stress is a huge factor in how it will affect us. It can be supportive to 1) view stress as as something that can be helpful and assist in our learning and growing and 2) remember that stress is universally experienced ^(1).
Being aware of when and how we go from stretch zone to panic zone can support to have a healthier relationship with stress.
Let’s go back to the hot springs last week…
I braced myself as I prepared to first enter the cold plunge, feeling both excitement, love for this aliveness found in challenge, and fear as I approached the plunge.
Image by https://unsplash.com/@skarlettebaron
…I couldn’t make it past my hips into the cold water. Rather than pushing through as part of me was tempted and has been well conditioned to do, I gave myself full permission to adjust more slowly to the cold water, knowing fully that there would be other opportunities to plunge later in the day. I observed myself in the stretch zone with the cold water up to my hips, and recognized that this level of stress felt like growth, but was not so overwhelming that it put me in a state of panic.
As the day went on, I played in the zones exploring comfort, stretch, and panic…
My second time in the cold plunge, I was able to more comfortably submerge up to my shoulders, and to remain for 10 deep breathes.
My third time I surprised myself as I was able to stay for 100 breathes. After I got out, I felt shivery and maybe like 100 breathes was a few too many for me.
My fourth time, I decided to do a few second plunge and reap the many benefits of this quick plunge method.
The cold plunge was a perfect opportunity to track my own nervous system and monitor what level of stress felt beneficial but not so intense that it felt unmanageable.
Key takeaways:
Embrace Stress as a normal part of life, and an indicator of aliveness and growth
Observe and track stress: Can we slow down with the experience of stress, notice the sensations of it, name it, instead of running away from it as fast as we can? Practice knowing and tracking the edge of stretch so that when panic arises, we are able to care for the parts of self that need tending.
Panic is not wrong. It is our body’s way of communicating we may be in (real or imagined) danger. Be gentle and compassionate when panic arises.
In my work both as a therapy client and as a therapist for other clients, I am in awe of how allowing and really being present with stress or discomfort is often liberating. Much like a cold plunge, engaging in therapeutic processes will no doubt be uncomfortable from time to time. Yet it is in this discomfort that our capacity to engage with stress increases, increasing our ability to manage and be present with stress and challenge so that it can feel more beneficial and less worrisome.
Therapy can help
Find and implement strategies to grow the stretch zone
Feel more grounded and resourced in what nourishes you
Increase your capacity to lovingly track and respond when stretch turns into panic
As so much in the external and internal worlds shakes and trembles in impermanence and uncertainty, I practice befriending stress and remembering its benefits, and caring for myself and others in ways big and small as we find sustenance in responding to the needs of the moment, and the needs of this time.
It is my deep honor to support others in navigating their own stress and nervous system response to triggers and life stressors that are both universal and personally impactful. If you are looking for support in exploring and managing stress or panic, I am available to offer accompaniment and support as you explore, manage, and thrive in your relationship with stress.
May you carry softness and kindness towards yourself in the challenging moments in your days.
Therapy is Political: the Power of Connecting with Your Own True Nature
(Content Warning: Genocide, violence)
While I hope you are well, I also understand if you are not. It has been over four months and more than 11,000 Palestinian children have been killed in the name of fighting terrorism. As a human being, this is disturbing. As a therapist, I have been struggling to navigate how to hold this violence with my clients. Many of my clients have brought up the impacts of this violence. We struggle to hold and accept it together.
Therapy is political because the dominant systems that operate today do not support the existence of our emotional and embodied beings.
And so while I hope that you are well in this ever changing world, I also understand if you are in the midst of emotional upheaval. A climate of global violence will no doubt impact interpersonal realms, the shared energy field, and how it is to exist on this shared home planet.
Witnessing
As we witness this violence, we are also being asked to reflect upon our reaction to witnessing catastrophe. What is true for us as humans as it relates to how we want to exist on this planet?
For me, as a hopeful carrier of light, I cannot accept this violence.
I cannot understand it. There is no room for this way of treating others in the world that I want to live in.
Unprocessed Trauma and Violence
Violence is often the result of untended or unprocessed trauma. It is my belief that this level of violence that we are witnessing is only possible when people are traumatized generation after generation, and as a result, are disconnected from their capacity to experience our shared humanity.
We now understand that unprocessed trauma is passed down from generation to generation. It has been said in Native American and Eastern traditions that when we heal ourselves, we heal seven generations ahead and behind us.
Correspondingly, atrocious trauma and violence endured and untended has impacted and will continue to impact generations to come. Healing, becoming whole, integrating light and dark, returning to loving ourselves (which can happen inside therapy or through a myriad of other ways) is then also ending the cycle of trauma for generations to come.
Do not underestimate the power of showing up in love, of having found the beauty and perfection of your own self and your own nature.
Healing a.k.a Connecting with Your Own True Nature
What has guided me through the last couple of months is to connect with my own nature and to find that my own nature is love.
My own nature is joyful. My own nature is contentment.
These are things that you would not have caught me saying three or four years ago because they didn't feel true for me.
But they do feel true now.
More of us are waking up to our own true nature. Many spiritual and religious teachings including Buddhism and Hinduism assert that our own true nature is bliss, joy, and is free from suffering.
I offer that waking up to our own true nature is also a form of activism.
And I want to be very clear that I support activism. I support activists. I support the brave people who put their lives and bodies on the line for justice. It is important to tend to the physical world and the spiritual.
In the moments when I cannot stand this world I live in, or I cannot stand my emotional experience, I am humbled to get curious about my experience. I get curious about what I can and cannot change. I tend to the underlying pain. I hold my experience with love and know that this clears the path for new ways of existing.
For me, finding a sense of wellness and remembering my own true nature is an ongoing effort. I wish I could tell you otherwise, that if we put the time in for a week, our lives become easy. For most of us, wellness requires ongoing attention. For me, it’s meditating, exercising, journaling, showering, sleeping, feeling my feelings, crying, feeling overjoyed, being in nature, connecting with community, being alone, finding spiritual nourishment…mostly it’s acknowledging my experience at any given moment and responding with care. I am convinced that tending to the self is non-negotiable in a distressing world, as this is the pathway to know the self. I can’t know my Self if I’m running from how it is to be me.
As you bravely walk towards your own healing on this planet, know that the care of yourself, the acknowledgment of your experience, including what enlivens you and what you find unacceptable, is beautiful and necessary. A vedanta teacher shared with me recently, “You cannot stop [participating in] the terrible war until you know who you are.” I can do my best to stop the war outside, and I must also tend to the wars inside myself.
I will leave you with the words of Audre Lorde: “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”
May you get to know, care for, and love your own true nature. Connecting with your own true nature is political.
With hope,
Natasha
